订阅Tokimeki
2007 3 29 06:22 AM 819次查看
分类：日记 标签：无
Meeting the girl buried in my memories again, I've found out two things. The one is my heart beats more terribly then before, and the other is it really and truly beats without love any more.
This feeling turns to be so clearly that I have to face up to, though I almost lost it in my heart.
A dream must have its ending time, to be true, or to be destroied. I had broken my dreams as many as I had dreamed in my life. Is it meaning I should not dream for one more time?
Actually, I have no reason to complain, and I haven't thought to complain since long before. I am just such a child, feeling everything except pain, dreaming something never comes true, having nothing but happiness.
I've never hated a person such as myself. Why can I live so well without achieving one goal, and how can I be so happy even hurt everyone I've loved?
Recently, I've thought a lot about the life, not for myself only, such as "Do human beings born for dying?" I have a strange thought that the whole world, of course including ourselves, is an unexpected but interesting test of god. Maybe even god doesn't know what the end is either. He may want to tell us something that we can only guess. Maybe everybody spends all his life looking for the answer, but nobody has done it.
Because of finished playing the Infinity Loop series game, I think the answer is all is a skin game. The world may be the one I chose, or even I created. In my parallel world, everyting only runs for me.
So the heart also must have been beating for myself only, without any affection.
But if all these are truth, what can I believe then?
I really wish I never had this thought before my heart stop beating. I want to end everything for just can't suffer any more.
But even now, it beats strongly and endlessly...
有些事，不想被人知道，甚至不想被自己知道，所以不知不觉就用了不习惯的语言。只是很多想法用英语无法准确地表达，倒是发现日文表达还不错，不过估计没几个人看得懂了。
其实不想被知道的话，不写出来就行了。只是最近心理学学多了，怕太压抑弄出个人格分裂。而且我又不擅长做梦，没法在睡觉时发泄，只好写下来了＝。＝
我也不知道自己为何会写下这些，貌似是另一个自己写下的。因为平时的自己，应该没有如此的想法吧。
多重人格、自我同一性、self、shadow……
我想我已经知道自己为何会忘记以前的事了……
在自己还是自己的时候，享受这个心跳的世界吧……
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